Concerning The Lie

Sun Herald

Saturday October 11, 1997

Paul McDermott

Is it a mid-life crisis that makes Paul McDermott want to tell the truth?

An expanse of shimmering white paper lies before me. It is virgin cartridge, fresh from the box and unsoiled by human hands. The smell of ink rises to my nostrils and my hand trembles. Once I release this "blue black" genie from the Quink bottle where he resides there will be no turning back. At the first touch of the nib, ink will forever scar the paper. It will permeate the fibres. The blue/black against the white will appear like a bruise. The mark is indelible. I touch the paper. I write a few words, then I falter.

The bruise stares back at me, a coherent statement of my guilt. The words accuse me for a moment before being consigned to the bin. It is a difficult task I have undertaken. I am about to tell the truth and that is an arduous undertaking for a liar.

I have come to the stage where I must admit the indiscretions of youth and take on the mantle of journalistic responsibility. Although I do maintain anything written is subjective, truth (which is not absolute) is open to interpretation and one person's truth is someone else's big fat filthy porker.

In previous lives I have toyed with the media. I have lied outright on occasion. The sins of Helen Demidenko seem insignificant by comparison. What is a book with a couple of borrowed phrases when the greater part of my adult life has been a fabrication? Perhaps only expelled members of Cabinet with their business diaries "as a work of fiction" can appreciate the true depth of the fib.

We are all plagiarists, liars and cheats. Some of us have the misfortune of being caught. I am making a clean breast of it, here and now, believing there will be some sympathy. A few understanding people will say he is a liar but at least he is honest about it.

When it came to the interview I was compulsive. Imagine my joy at reading in The Times that Doug Anthony* was the assassinated prime minister of Australia, killed on the 11th of the 11th '75 by members of the right wing. Or that Sir Joh was Australia's Nelson Mandela. Or that Pauline Hanson is a clever parody created by a university revue.

In all the years of lying, I never once picked up the paper and was disappointed. There is a moral in there somewhere but what message would I be sending to the youth of this country? Deceit is not only fun, it can be profitable as well - at least it always has been for me and it seems it may be a prerequisite in the political arena.

The media has been under a great amount of scrutiny of late, and it should be. There are thousands of hack journalists spewing forth mountains of litigious claptrap. Endless diatribes to wade through to get to one perverted juicy snap by the paparazzi. There are legions of investigative journos with non-existent codes of practice beaming at us every night. The time has come to draw the line.

I believe it is important, so that we understand each other, to set a guideline for this column.

I will not take myself out of context.

I will listen to what I am saying and transcribe it faithfully.

I will not try to back myself into a corner with clever questions written specifically to trip me up.

I will not chase myself over a back fence to secure a breathless interview concerning my faulty electrical procedures, my inability to erect a house or my stealing old folks' super.

I will not use sex as a gimmick to promote or tempt the more rabid members of society. (Unless there are damn fine, high-quality graphics to accompany the text.)

I will not blame the Internet for every crime committed by a youth.

I will stick to the cold hard facts and not falsely romanticise a situation to gain favor.

Finally, I will attempt to restrain my desire to lie**. There is too much deceit in the world, too many easy excuses and too many cliches. Today we sail into a bright new future, a brave new world and this great nation of ours can once again hold her head up high and proclaim herself the lucky country.

* Doug Anthony is one of the most charismatic leaders this country has ever seen and he continues to inspire children all around the world.

** I work at a computer. There was no shimmering paper, no genie and I have absolute faith in the honesty of the Government and the men and women who work tirelessly, often in two places at once, to make our world a little bit better.

This is the first of Paul McDermott's weekly columns for SundayLife!