E:tiquette

Sun Herald

Sunday November 12, 2000

TERRY SMYTH

TERRY SMYTH provides some basic rules on how to e:conduct yourself.

SHAKESPEARE. Remember him? He was the Elizabethan playwright who made quite a name for himself by spending long hours under lamplight, laboriously scratching on parchment with quill and ink.

But just say old Willy Waggledagger had a PC. And just say that PC was hooked up to an internet provider and included, as you'd expect, e-mail. There's Will, mucking about in his cottage garden with Anne Hathaway, pruning the lavender, when out of the blue an idea strikes.

To run the idea by his manager Richard Burbage, he would have to rush inside to his cluttered desk, dip his quill and scribble:

Dear Richard,

My very heart wouldst feign burst asunder lest I tell thee with all haste of a notion for a new play which concerneth a certain brooding Prince of Denmark, who quoth such as like "To be or not to be?".

I remain your obedient servant,

William Shakespeare.

That done, he powders the page dry, rolls it into a scroll, seals it with wax and goes back outside to hail some speedy local Stratford lad willing to deliver the message for a shiny new halfpenny. Then it's a matter of waiting for a reply.

Ah, but not for our online immortal bard. Instead, he swans inside, settles into the swivel chair before his ergometric keyboard and taps out:

burbs, have gr8 idea 4 new play re brooding prince of denmark. eg >2b or not 2b, that is the faq> wdyt?

Wdyt, if you haven't guessed, is an e-mail acronym for "What do you think?" And there's the rub. In its short history, e-mail has gathered a dictionary-load of acronyms such as YOYO for 'You're on your own"and shorthand such as CUL8R for "See you later".

Here are a few more:

4ever forever.

B4 before.

F2F face to face.

GR82CU again great to see you again.

OIC oh I see.

OZ Australia.

RUSorG are you straight or gay?

THX, TX or THKS thanks.

URYY4M you are too wise for me.

Then there are smileys and emoticons _ hieroglyphics made by combinations of keyboard characters.

For example, @(*0*)@ stands for koala, and if you tilt your head sideways to the left, :-.) means Cindy Crawford.

The same goes for:

:-) smile.

:3-] dog.

}:-X cat.

8) frog.

X-( angry.

:-# my lips are sealed.

:-\ undecided.

(:-( very unhappy.

B-) wearing glasses.

;-) winking.

$-) yuppie.

All very inventive. Cute even. And with half the population sending up to 40 e-mail messages a day and the numbers growing apace it's bound to get even cuter. The trouble is, while

e-mail offers a speed and ease that might well have won Shakespeare's approval, and, had it been around in his day, might even have resulted in volumes of his complete works being even thicker, the standard of his e-mailed sonnets and plays might not have been up to snuff.

The bard could hardly have guessed the day would come when electronic communications threatened to eradicate the adjective, endanger the adverb, abbreviate the noun and belittle the capital letter to produce pulverised poetry and processed prose. And that's because e-mail doesn't yet have generally accepted standards of etiquette.

Rules are evolving, but it's so new nothing is set in stone. So in the cause of preserving the flowery bits of the English language before they get pruned, here are a few rules of e-tiquette:

Never use all capitals. It's the e-mail equivalent of shouting. Unless, of course, that's the effect you want to get across. On the other hand, many people consider using all lower case the e-mail equivalent of mumbling. So capitalise in the way you were taught in school, unless the subject is silverchair or kd lang.

Avoid flaming. That's e-jargon for sending a message before engaging your brain, and that's easier to do with e-mail than with any other medium. A flash of anger is often followed by a surge of regret, so if an e-mail upsets you, hold off replying until you have calmed down.

Don't forward jokes, virus warnings, chain letters or other e-junk mail. It's like going around to their place and stuffing their letter box with assorted brochures.

Don't send a personal e-mail to an e-mail list without the sender's permission. It's the equivalent of scribbling someone's unlisted phone number on the wall of a public toilet.

Don't spill your guts. Avoid personal information, always assuming the net is so insecure that some pimply geek in Stockholm is sniggering over every message you send. And while we're on the subject of privacy, if you ask for trouble you shouldn't complain. By that I mean don't squawk with outrage if you receive unsolicited porn when your e-mail address is something like hornbag@hottotrot.com.

Don't use acronyms, shorthand, smileys or emoticons for professional messages. Many consider it frivolous, childish or twee, and some people just have no imagination or sense of humour. Certainly don't use them in a condolence message. In fact, send a sympathy card instead.

Don't leave the field subject blank. Like an unmarked envelope, your message will most likely be shunted straight to the bin.

Don't be too wordy. Screens are harder to read than pages, and no-one fancies curling up with a good monitor. For the same reason, and because large messages can overburden the network, avoid sending attachments. No-one will appreciate an e-mail that goes:

hi, have just finished reading gr8 novel called war & peace. thought u might like it. see attachment.

Before sending a message, check your spelling, grammar and syntax. It's surprising how often, on second glance, gems of wisdom dashed off in a hurry can look as though a possum ran across the keyboard. And avoid computer jargon for two reasons. One: cyberspace is filled with rookies, so be considerate. Two: no-one likes a smart arse.

If someone fails to reply to an e-mail, don't keep sending more. Not everyone checks it religiously or has one of those nifty "You've got mail!" features. Get up, pick up the phone and call them.